Alabama releases "shocking" findings after confiscating Roy Moore’s Personal Computer

The Alabama Bureau of Investigation (ABI) released the results of its investigation regarding the contents of U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore’s personal computer, calling its findings “shocking” and reporting that investigators had “never seen anything like it.” Some members of the team were so shaken that they were unable to proceed and had to be replaced. One long-time ABI agent elected early-retirement so as to avoid continued exposure to the machine.

In an early morning press conference, Chief ABI investigator H. Lake Holliday III disclosed that “we found nothing. Literally. Not a single thing - no documents, no pictures, no search history. Nothing. It’s as if he hasn’t got a clue about how to use the thing.” Holliday said that there was some forensic evidence that Moore had tried to use Internet Explorer’s Bing search engine (which Holliday said was “a dead give-way that we’re not dealing with a genius”), entering and re-entering the phrase “how do I use this?” over dozen times. Chief Holliday concluded the press conference by remarking that "you'd think somebody seeking world power would at least be able to shop on Amazon."

Investigators believe that Moore was confounded by the household wi-fi password, and insiders believe that Moore’s wife has refused to provide her husband with the password even after Moore discovered that her earlier statement that “there’s no such thing as the internet” was false.

“Look, I think it’s clear who’s wearing pants in this family,” said Mrs. Moore, “and if there’s one shred of truth to all of these accusations it's that it’s not my husband.”